


Naive

by Outcasts



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Cliche as i always am, Gang AU, Lee Jeno is Whipped, M/M, angst i think, bff chenle and jisung, ft the rest of not dream, jeno is the gang leader, minor mark and hyuck, renjun is just a quiet boy trying to get through senior year unnoticed, that's your warning lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-24
Updated: 2018-09-24
Packaged: 2019-07-03 03:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15810483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Outcasts/pseuds/Outcasts
Summary: in which Renjun spends his free time (poorly) avoiding local gangs, and Jeno happens to be the leader of one.





	Naive

**Author's Note:**

> warning: cursing

* * *

  **I**

 

“Look at my big boy,” his mom smiled happily, placing a plate of pancakes on the table, right in front of him. “I can’t believe my baby boy is a senior.”

Renjun rolled his eyes, unable to hide the smile on his face. “Mom, stop being over dramatic.”

He saw the tears sparkling in her eyes, and he chose to ignore it, instead, gabbing a fork into his pancakes and taking a huge bite.

Renjun didn’t want to cry, especially not on the first day of school. No, especially not now.

He had waited his whole life for this. It was always just him and his mom, so reaching this milestone was a pretty big deal. 

Not only that, but Renjun strives to finally be able to take his mom out of this shitty neighborhood.

A neighborhood where gangs controlled everyone, and everyone lived in fear of them.

Including Renjun. _Especially_ Renjun.

Renjun simply hoped that Jeno still had an ounce of sympathy for him, and that Jeno wouldn’t want to kill him. 

 _Lee Jeno -_ leader of the most notorious gang in the city. 

Nobody ever expected someone as young as Jeno to make a good leader, but they were proven wrong.

Renjun knew Jeno ever since they were kids. 

He took care of Jeno back then, back when Jeno was just an abused boy looking for a place to run to. 

Not a place, a _person_. 

And that person was Renjun.

They were in third grade when Jeno first formed the habit of running to Renjun’s house in the middle of the night, finding comfort in the older's bed.

_”Why are you bleeding?”_

Renjun’s mother protected him from the horror of where they lived. Renjun was naive. He didn’t understand - until he got older - why Jeno was always hurt. 

All the time.

And Jeno didn’t have the heart to ruin Renjun’s perception of the world. It was the only thing that kept him sane.

_”I fell running over here.” Jeno lied, scratching the back of his head, wearing the best smile he could muster._

_”Why did you run here in the middle of the night then, silly?” Renjun would follow up with. “Mommy always tells me to never,_ ever _go out at night. She says I’ll get lost.”_

_Jeno smirked. “You probably would.” He let out a sigh of relief. Renjun was naive, but he wasn’t stupid._

“Thank you for the food, mom, but I should get going now.” Renjun stood up, pushing in his chair and grabbing his backpack. 

His mom hugged him.

Renjun might be a big boy now, but he would always enjoy his mom’s bone-crushing hugs.

”Mom. Can’t. Breathe.” Renjun muttered through his teeth, his mom finally letting go, giving him a chance to catch his breath.

”Walk fast, okay? And remember, don’t look at anyone.” She ran her fingers through his hair.

“I’ll see you later, mom.” Renjun replied.

”Love you, sweetie.”

”Love you too.”

 

Renjun closed the door behind him, and he began walking in a fast pace, keeping his head down.

It was back to the old ways. 

He heard people yelling, wondering why so many people were angry this early in the morning. 

He saw some drunk guys fighting, provoking Renjun to take a different route to school, therefore extending his journey. 

He made it to school unharmed and fairly unscathed.

And then it was back to the same old routine. School hadn’t even begun yet, and he already knew that his senior year would be no different than the rest.

He wouldn’t leave his mark, but he had come to accept that by now. When he graduates, all the impact he will have left on the school will come in the form of a class photo for the class of 2018.

NCT high was run down. The walls were full of cracks and punches that the school did not have the money to redo; the floors were barely floors, just filth that the students walked on; and the doors (if there was even any on the classrooms) were broken and a minute away from crumbling to the ground.

Renjun ignored the chatter in the halls. Gossip would only lead to trouble.

Still, Renjun could hear, and people were loud, and rumors were always on the tips of everyone’s tongue.

_”Did you hear, Lee Jeno stabbed a guy to death this summer.”_

_”What? No way, that’s too much, even for him.”_

_”Seriously. And not only that, but apparently they made Park Jisung eat the guy's body as some sort of initiation into the gang.”_

Renjun laughed at this one, because not only was that rumor totally disgusting and untrue, but also because Jeno’s not that sick.

Renjun easily found his class, and took a seat in the front row.

There was this unspoken rule that _those_ type of kids sat in the back, and kids like Renjun sat in the front. 

It just simply was.

Renjun was surprised to see that the chair even held up against his weight, and that the desk didn’t topple over his knees.

A few kids started to file in, and they all just so happened to sit in the front.

The bell rang. The teacher entered.

Renjun took a peek around the classroom. Half-empty, something he wasn’t shocked about.

The teacher noticed this too, and accordingly, he waited another half hour before actually saying anything.

The teacher sat in his chair, playing a game on his phone.

In that void half of an hour, more people stalked in. 

Renjun made sure not to make eye contact.

They all sat in the back. Renjun didn’t turn around. He sat stiff as a board.

Then, he heard talking. Loud, obnoxious laughing ensued from the hall soon after. 

“That fucking bitch was so scared, he gave me his car keys. What kind of man is he?” _Jaemin_. It had to be him. Renjun recognized that voice for being notoriously, well, loud.

”What’d you do with them?” Donghyuck asked, laughing as-well, and even louder than Jaemin. 

“I took his car for a ride, crashed it, then I gave him back his keys.”

”You really are ruthless.” Jisung, newest member of the gang. He was softer with his words, still quite timid with asserting himself. 

“Shut up, Jaemin.”

That was Jeno. 

Renjun knew that voice anywhere. 

Jeno didn’t sound angry. Renjun could never think of a time when he actually thought Jeno sounded angry (not that he heard, at least.)

Jeno just always sounded tired to him. He looked tired, too, so those features probably went hand-and-hand.

Their voices kept getting closer and closer. 

Renjun could only tremble, praying that they passed his classroom without a second look.

”See you, Jisung. Behave in there,” Jaemin teased the youngest. 

“I should be saying that to you, hyung.” Jisung replied. 

The sound of their voices inched closer, now with the exception of Jisung.

”Damn, this is it.” Donghyuck sighed. The trio stopped right outside Renjun’s room. “Class 4-B.”

That’s Renjun’s class. 

“ _Wow_ , you guys all look like a bunch of pussies.” Jaemin knew how to make quite the impression, scanning the room as he walked in. 

The teacher didn’t bother saying anything. Renjun thinks he was just as scared as they were.

”Stop, you sound just like Mark-hyung.” Donghyuck shoved Jaemin, walking to the back of the class. “Don’t insult him like that.”

Jaemin scoffed, following the older boy. 

Renjun felt them walk past, but he only stared at the cracked chalk board ahead of him.

He felt Jeno’s eyes on him. Or maybe he was just imaging it, but Renjun absolutely hated the way he noticed Jeno just standing in the front of the class for a second longer.

He let his shoulders slump when Jeno finally walked past.

“Okay, c-class.” Renjun saw the teacher’s arms shake as he got up. His voice trembled all the same.

When teachers were even afraid of them, that’s when Renjun knew just how much impact that gang had.

“Welcome to the first day of senior year.” The teacher kept his gaze at the front of the class. 

Renjun wished he would of know that this was the day everything in his life started to change. 

Maybe then he would’ve been able to change things. 

But Renjun was still naive in a lot of ways, and he hadn’t realized that this was the day life had decided it needed a change.

 

  **II**

 

“Join my gang.” Jeno said.

Renjun didn’t know how Jeno found him, but that shouldn’t have been much of a mystery. 

Jeno is leader of the scariest gang in the neighborhood. Of course he would be good at these kind of things.

It was after school. One month after senior year had started.

Jeno and his gang still came late to class. The teacher still trembled in fear of them, and, because of that, barely taught. And the food was still crap.

Renjun stayed after to use the library at school to finish up some homework. Their library wasn’t the best, but the librarian was one of the people who actually cared about the school, so she did her best to keep it clean.

And naturally, Renjun still wanted to keep up his good grades.

He only stayed for an hour. That’s the time limit he gave himself.

It gave him plenty of time to get home before the sun actually set, and things only got worse after dark.

Though, one event Renjun didn't prepare for, was for Jeno to find him in the hall. 

Renjun was in so much disbelief, that is didn’t cross his mind that Jeno was even waiting for him, so, like any reasonable person would do after seeing Lee Jeno, he turned around and walked away.

But then Jeno asked him the question, and Renjun stopped.

Renjun still didn’t know if Jeno was talking to him or not, but there was no one else in the hallway.

Renjun could hear Jeno's footsteps echo, getting closer.

He contemplated on whether or not he should make a run for it, but if Renjun thought logically, he knew he wouldn’t even make it a yard before Jeno caught up.

So Renjun just stood there, waiting until Jeno came to stand in front of him.

”It’s rude not to reply when someone asks you something.”

Renjun almost scoffed. Jeno didn’t ask anything. He _commanded_.

”S-sorry.” Renjun whispered, looking down. He had to focus on not looking at Jeno straight-on. His mother had warned him.

”It’s also rude not to look at someone when they’re talking to you.”

Renjun bit his lip. He cursed himself for staying after. This never would of happened if he would of just left after the bell rang.

But then again, if Jeno wanted to talk to him alone, then it was bound to happened eventually.

”Your gang?” Renjun still refused to look up. 

“Join it.” Jeno’s shoes were torn. They were filthy. It reminded Renjun of when they were in elementary school. Jeno’s shoes always looked the same. 

“N-no, thank you.”

Renjun couldn’t believe he just said 'no' to Lee Jeno. He really had a death wish.

”What?” Jeno never sounded angry. Even now. He was taken-aback, more-so.

”No thank you.” Renjun repeated.

”Are you crazy?”

”No, I’m not.” Three ‘no’s’ in one day. Renjun actually was crazy. 

“Why?”

”Because...” _Because I want to get into a good college, because I want my mom to still be proud of me, because I’m not strong, and I don’t curse, or fight, or..._ “Because I wouldn’t be able to do anything for you. I’m not good at anything. I’ll just be a bother.”

”I didn’t ask you to kill people. I asked you to join my gang.”

 _You didn’t really ask me at all._ “But why would you want someone who has no use?” 

Jeno didn’t answer. 

“If you’re part of my gang, you won’t ever have to be afraid again. Nobody will want to mess with you, regardless if you have any ‘use’ or not. You’ll be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. Anyone else would kill at the chance.”

Renjun knew that. 

“You won’t have to worry about your mom when _she_ goes to work. No one will touch her if they know her son is part of my gang.”

Renjun was sure his lip was bleeding from how hard he was biting it, yet he didn’t care. 

”My mom? She’ll be safe?”

Jeno nodded. “That’s what I just said.”

He payed no mind to Jeno’s tone. Suddenly, at thought of being able to protect him mom from getting robbed, or punched, or _hurt_ , made it all worth it.

”What do I have to do?” 

“Nothing.”

Renjun didn’t believe it this time. How could he just do nothing? What was Jeno playing at?

”Nothing?” Renjun repeated.

”Stop doubting me.” Jeno sounded annoyed. “You got to trust me. I’m your leader.”

It sounded silly. 'Leader'.

”And you have to look at me. A follower has to look at his leader, otherwise you just look pathetic.”

Renjun looked up. He avoided eye contact for a split moment. 

And then he looked at Jeno head on. 

And he realized Jeno still looked like the boy he knew in elementary school. The same face. The same, tired face.

”Why me?” Renjun asked. _Why now?_ It was their last year. If anything, Jeno should had offered this freshman year. It would of been more effective then.

Jeno didn’t answer.

”Tomorrow at five, meet me at the back of the building before school.” 

Jeno ordered. Renjun hesitated, then nodding along.

Renjun stood, not moving an inch as Jeno left.

Renjun should have known that it wouldn’t be as simple as just joining a gang. No. When you join a gang, you ask for trouble. Renjun was still very naive. And he was still very naive about Jeno, too.

 

**III**

 

“It’s too early!” Jaemin complained, kicking a rock on the ground. The rock hit the window, but it didn’t matter anyways, since the window was already broken. “Why do you always got to make us wake up so early if we are still late to school all the time?”

”Jaemin, shut up.” Jeno answered. Jaemin pouted.

”But seriously, hyung. Why are we here so early?” Jisung asked.

”A new member, that’s why.”

Donghyuck, Jaemin and Jisung blinked.

Donghyuck was the first to say something. “What?!”

”What the fuck, Jeno? You didn’t even mention anything to us!” Jaemin followed.

”Hyung, don’t you think you acted a bit too rash?” Jisung piped in.

Jeno glared at all of them. “Did you dumbasses forget that I’m the leader or some shit?”

”Still, you could of at least mentioned something to us!” Donghyuck hated whenever Jeno used that excuse. Because it was true. Jeno never had to run anything by them unless he wanted to.

Renjun walked up to the gang quietly. His hands clenched tightly around his backpacks arms. 

Jeno noticed him immediately.

”Who the fuck?” Jaemin said once he saw the ‘new’ member of their gang. “This boy looks fucking 12.”

”He’s older than you, dumbass.” Jeno retorted.

Renjun never felt more embarrassed.

”Who is this?” Donghyuck asked their leader.

”Huang Renjun.”

Donghyuck didn’t recognize him. Neither did Jaemin, for that matter, despite the fact that they all shared the same class. Jisung look confused.

”Why this boy?”

Again, Jeno didn’t answer the question. He always avoided these questions.

”He’s the new member” Jeno opted to say.

Renjun wasn’t easily accepted. Jisung was the only one who was remotely nice to him, but even the youngest didn’t go out of his way to make conversation.

Renjun walked in the back of their pack. He began wondering why Jeno wanted him if he played no role in anything.

Soon, the sun had completely risen, and it was 7 am. 

“Um...” Renjun mumbled. He was still in the back. “I-I got to get to class.” He was sure no one heard him, but when he looked up, Jeno was staring straight at him, and as a reaction, so were the rest of the group. “I don’t want to be late.” Renjun blushed under the attention.

”Wow, Jeno. You sure picked a real big pussy this time.” Jaemin snickered.

Renjun quivered.

”Okay. Let’s go then.” Jeno turned foot, moving in the opposite direction than they had been heading before.

”Excuse me, what?” Jaemin stood in absolute shock. They all did, actually. Even Renjun.

”Do I need to repeat myself?”

”No.” Jaemin replied all to quickly. 

Renjun didn’t understand it. He didn’t understand anything about Jeno for that matter, but he especially didn’t understand why Jeno would listen to him.

It was irrational.

Maybe, just maybe, if Renjun knew why, he would of been able to save them. But that’s the sad part, he was too naive to understand Jeno’s intentions.

 

**IV**

 

”Hyung!” Donghyuck jumped up from the couch, running over to Mark like a little kid. It was strange seeing this side of Donghyuck. Renjun thought it was a cute look on him.

”What’s up?” Mark smiled.

 _Mark Lee_. No relation to Lee Jeno. 

Mark, Renjun likes to think, was the whole reason Jeno’s gang has become as feared as it was today. 

Mark practically made it, only Jeno was the one to actually carry it through. 

Mark was a year older than them. He just graduated, and he spends his time between The Lot (which is what Renjun soon found out was what the gang called their hang out place in an abandoned bar,) and fixing cars for a living. Fixing anything, really. It’s his specialty.

Despite all the information Renjun had gathered about the older male, Renjun never met Mark.

He simply saw him in the halls, but it never once crossed his mind to approach Mark. He stayed as far away as he could.

It didn’t take Mark a moment to notice the newcomer in the room.

Mark didn’t ask any questions. He looked at Renjun, and then he looked away.

Everyone surround Mark like moths to light. Renjun was left sitting on the couch.

Donghyuck seemed especially clingy to the recent high school graduate, that it was hard for Renjun to look away from the two.

Renjun was naive, but he wasn’t stupid.

Donghyuck was infactuated with a person who treated him the same way he did everyone else.

It's not that Renjun particularly liked Donghyuck, but the thought of unrequited love mad him feel sad. Especially because true love, was so, _so_ hard to find in this shitty city.

Renjun kept his mouth shut. If he noticed, then the others must have too. There wasn’t anything he could do about it, anyways.

Renjun thought he was so good at observing. But he was wrong.

Cause Renjun was oblivious to the way Jeno glanced at him often. How Jeno stayed a little farther away from the rest just so Renjun wouldn’t feel so left out.

Renjun was naive.

 

**V**

 

“Jeno?” Renjun couldn’t believe his vision. “What are you doing here?”

He looked out of his window. Jeno looked so small, and suddenly, this scene was a mirror image of elementary school.

“Let me in.” Renjun stepped aside, allowing the younger boy to crawl in through the window.

Jeno was taller now. He was fit. He wasn’t the scrawny kid he used to be. Yet he still managed to get in through Renjun’s window like nothing had changed.

”Hi.” Renjun said after a long moment of silence. It was awkward, with his gang leader just randomly showing up in the middle of the night, crawling in through his window, and standing in the middle of his room with cuts all over his body. “What are you doing here, Jeno?” Renjun repeated his question. “It’s one in the morning.”

”I’m aware of the time.”

”Then?” Renjun had officially been in Jeno’s gang for four months now. He knew Jeno’s personality. Jeno wasn’t someone he needed to fear, because Jeno would risk his life to protect his gang. Renjun knew that. Yet, he still shook.

”I just got into a fight. And I just somehow ended up here.” Jeno vaguely answered. It wasn’t enough for Renjun, but he didn’t have the will or energy to press any further. It wasn’t like Jeno was going to give him a better answer anywho. 

“You have to keep quiet. My mom’s sleeping in the other room.” It brought back too much deja-vu. Renjun used to say this to Jeno all the time when they were little. “Are you okay?”

Jeno nodded, looking around the room. “Your room hasn’t changed much.”

Renjun flushed in embarrassment. “Uh, y-yeah.”

”I like it this way.” 

“Thanks.” Renjun bit his lip. “Do you want to sleep on the bed?”

Jeno looked down at Renjun’s tiny bed. It wasn’t really a bed, just a mattress with two pillows and a blanket. Still, it was more comforting than Jeno ever got.

“Are you really afraid to sleep in the same bed as me? We used to do it all the time.”

Renjun hated how Jeno was able to say those things so casually. It’s like it was just yesterday when Jeno was sneaking into his home.

”Well, we were kids back then. We’re not so little now, so we probably won’t fit.”

”Are you calling me fat?”

Renjun’s eyes widened. “W-w-what? No! It’s not- it’s not-“

”Jun,” Jeno laughed, “I’m kidding.” Jeno actually laughed. Renjun couldn’t remember the last time he heard Jeno’s laugh. “And weren’t you the one who said we needed to keep quiet.”

Renjun straightened up, slapping his palm over his mouth. “Right.”

”So?” Jeno pressed.

”I don’t mind... sleeping in the same bed.”

In retrospect, Renjun should have said no. But it was too late to stop what would have happened. Jeno had already fallen, and Renjun was still just as naive.

 

**VI**

 

“Where are you going?” Jeno asked. He demanded an answer.

Renjun fumbled with his fingers. “Home. I just want to go home. _Please_.”

Renjun hadn’t been home in a week. And he blamed it all on Jeno. In this moment, he hated Jeno.

“Are you fucking joking? Do you want to get killed?” Jeno was frustrated, it was crystal to see. 

“Getting killed would be better than being kept here like a captive!” Renjun yelled back. He never yelled. He never got angry. But he was furious. He hadn’t been able to see his mom, or go to school, or even go out to the market for a whole week. Just because of some stupid gang war Jeno had with a neighboring gang.

”Are you even listening to yourself?”

Renjun turned to face Jeno. The Lot was dirty, dark, and cold. Anything would be better than staying in here.

”Jaemin gets to go out, and so does Donghyuck. Hell, even Jisung gets too!”

Jeno found it almost impossible to not yell back. But he understood Renjun’s anger. He understood because he knew who Renjun was.

”They know how to protect themselves. And they’re not stupid enough to go out alone. Or at night, for that matter.”

Renjun rolled his eyes. He was always the weak one. “Then why are you here? Can’t you protect yourself?” It was a rhetorical question. Because obviously, Jeno could protect himself.

”I don’t want to leave you alone.”

”Why do you care.”

Jeno didn’t answer.

”It’s okay. I didn’t expect an answer anyways.” Renjun scoffed. He was not the type to be rude, or mean. But Renjun was furious that he was kept like a prisoner.

”Why can’t you just understand that I’m trying to keep you safe?” Jeno sounded desperate, but Renjun was too mad to care.

”Why can’t you understand that I just want to go home!”

”You wouldn’t make it one block before getting killed!” Jeno raised his voice. He had enough.

Renjun hated how he was right. “I hate you.”

”You don’t mean that.”

”You don’t know anything about me.” Renjun knew it was a lie. 

“You don’t hate me.” Jeno insisted. He was persistent, which made Renjun burn with even more anger.

”Shouldn’t I be the one who gets to decide that?”

Renjun didn’t see when Jeno got so close. _How did Renjun not notice?_

“You don’t hate me.” Jeno’s voice was deeper up close. His words ran through Renjun’s veins like poison, and he had to fight to keep his knees from wavering.

”You’re selfish, mean, _manipulative_. You’re a fucking emotionless robot. Go fuck yourself, Jeno.” Renjun’s teeth clenched together. 

Jeno was the worst person of all. 

“You’re right. Mostly.”

”What?” Renjun expected Jeno to retaliate back, but he didn’t. And to make matters worse, Jeno actually agreeded with him. Renjun was looking for a fight. He needed to get rid of his anger, and Jeno was the perfect target.

“I’m selfish for wanting you all to myself. I’m mean for asking you to join my gang and getting you in the middle of my fucked up world. And yeah, I guess I’m pretty manipulative too. But you got the last part wrong.” Renjun blinked. “I have feelings too.”

Renjun scoffed. His face was red. He didn’t understand what Jeno was talking about. “You have feelings? Really?” Renjun was genuinely asking, because he didn’t see it.

Jeno nodded. ”I want to keep my gang safe. That counts, right? I would protect them over my own life. You know that.” Renjun did know that. Of course he did. Stupid Jeno. Why did he have to be so- “And I guess it counts for something that I like you, right?”

Renjun’s fists clenched at his side. “Stop feeling sorry for me!” Renjun exploded. “I get it, okay! We were friends once, so you feel like you owe me. I get that now! Mission accomplished! The school year is over in four months! So you don’t have to worry about me anymore, okay? I did just fine before joining your gang, so I’m sure I can survive four more months!!” Renjun was yelling at the top of his lungs. He felt himself crying. It was unreasonable for him to get worked up over this...

And yet, he has.

”Just please, Jeno. Please leave me alone. You’ve repaid the favor, okay? I’ll be okay. And in four months you won’t ever here from me again. So you don’t have to feel like you owe me anymore and we can just go back to-“

”Are you fucking dense?” Jeno’s voice was harsh. It was like nails to a chalkboard. Renjun felt his throat close up.

”What are you taking ab-“

”What part of _‘I like you’_ do you not fucking understand?” It was Renjun’s turn not to answer. He looked at Jeno, wiping the tears from his face. It was to no avail, because every time he wiped away the old ones, they would just be replaced. 

“You don’t have to curse.” Renjun supplied without thinking. His brain was going haywire from the emotional overload.

Jeno sighed. “I’m not pitying you, Renjun. I wanted you in my gang, because I wanted to protect you. People protect the people they care about.”

Renjun shook his head. “I was fine just on my own.” His voice was barely audible. He couldn’t help but look down at his feet.

”Well I wasn’t. I didn’t want you to be alone. Do you know how much I fucking worried about you? I was scared, okay. I didn’t want you to get hurt. Never.”

Renjun could see Jeno take a step towards him. _How much closer could he get before it became uncomfortable?_

”Stop pitying me.”

”I’m not.”

”You always have.”

”Sorry that it seems that way.”

”Why?”

”I already told you. I like you... I’ve liked you ever since we were kids.”

”Why now then? You’ve had all these years, and you waited till the very last one.”

Jeno shifted his weight between his feet. He himself almost couldn’t believe how tongue tied Renjun made him. “I was... I don’t know. Scared? I guess.”

“You? Scared? Do you expect me to believe that?” Because he didn’t. Renjun couldn’t picture in his mind, Jeno ever being scared of anything.

”Yeah, I am.” Jeno confessed. “You are the brightest person I have ever fucking met. And by shitty chance, you ended up in my world... and you don’t deserve it. You didn’t deserve to be born into this shitty place. You deserved to be somewhere peaceful, and safe. You deserved so much better from the start. But, you’re here. You’re with me, so I guess it had to be stupid fucking fate, right?”

Renjun sniffed. He had never seen Jeno this way. Not even when they were kids. Renjun didn’t know this side of Jeno exsisted.

“I didn’t want to bring you into my world, because it’s fucked up. I never did. But then I remembered how you used to tell me days on end that you were going to move out of this dump with your mom once you graduated.”

”I told you that when we were kids, Jeno.” _What Renjun meant to say_ \- You remembered that?

”Yeah, you did, didn’t you?” Jeno smiled at the memory. Things had changed so much since then. “I didn’t want you to leave me without... without even a goodbye. So I was selfish. I didn’t plan it, but then I saw you in my class the first day back and I... I just couldn’t stop myself.”

Renjun felt like his heart was burning. “You’re messed up.”

”Yeah. I know.”

”So what now?”

Jeno didn’t answer. Renjun expected it.

”We got four months left.” Renjun knew it could be more. But he was the one putting a time limit on himself. “What did you mean when you said you liked me?”

”I mean I like you.” Jeno was a straight-forward guy. It was a trait of Jeno’s that Renjun was never prepared for. “I like you more than a friend.”

”Then let’s date. For four months.”

Renjun should’ve realized how terrible of a plan this would be. But Renjun always thought about others, and he was just too naive. Renjun thought that this was a way to make Jeno happy, (because yes, Renjun actually didn’t hate Jeno,) and he didn’t see a chance of him falling in love with Jeno. So it was a win-win situation...

Right?

Renjun was just that naive. And he screwed himself over.

“Four months?”

”Yeah. We can do stuff couples do, and then after graduation, I’ll move away, and it’ll be like I was never here.”

”It sounds like I’m forcing you to do this.” Jeno said. 

“No. I want to do this, too.” Renjun blushed at his confession. “I’ve never dated anyone. No ones ever liked me, either. I want to experience the full high school life, just like a normal teenager.”

”Nobody in our school is a normal teenager.”

”Well, I can try to be.”

Jeno knew this was a bad idea, but he let his feelings cloud his judgement. He knew that he would end up heartbroken at the end of this, but that didn’t matter to him. He would be heartbroken either way. But Jeno was sure he could survive heartbreak.

For the first time, Jeno was naive too.

He underestimated how much you could love someone, and he just how much he could love Renjun. 

He was just too naive. 

_They both were._

 

”What do you mean by ‘doing things couples do’?”

“We’re going to be a couple, so we can do that type of stuff, right?”

”You draw the line, and I won’t cross it.”

”You’ve been in a relationship before, haven’t you? Jeno. What did you do?”

”I wouldn’t really call it a ‘relationship.’ And anyways, that was different. I like you. I’m going to try not to screw this up. So draw the line.”

”You’ve done that much, huh? I don’t think I’m ready for all that.”

”So then, tell me what you are ready for.”

”L-like... k-kissing... and hand-holding... and n-nothing more.”

”Okay. Kissing and hand-holding and nothing more.”

”O-okay.”

 

“Did you hear? Jeno is supposedly going out with that Renjun kid.” Gossip spead quickly throughout the school. Jeno didn’t care. Renjun did.

” _Renjin?_ Who’s that?”

They hadn’t even been going out for two weeks yet. 

“Do you want me to hurt them?” Renjun almost choked on his food. He was glad the others were too wrapped up in their own conversations to be bothered by Jeno.

”What are you talking about?” Renjun managed to get out. “Are you crazy?”

”Maybe.” Jeno responded. He seemed unphased by Renjun’s accusation. “It was just a question.”

And he was waiting for an answer.

“Well, of course not.” Renjun stated like it was the most obvious thing in the world. 

Jeno nodded. “Okay.” He took another bite of his bread.

Was this how relationships were suppose to work? Weren’t they suppose to be meaningful? A way to bring two people closer?

Nothing has changed with Jeno. Jeno was still the same abrasive guy. 

Renjun was beginning to wonder if there was any point to this. 

_But of course, there was._

 

**VII**

 

The first time Jeno kissed Renjun, it was early in the morning. Too early, that the sun hadn’t even come up yet.

”Jeno? What are you doing here?” Jeno ended up in Renjun’s room again. The same way he always entered, through the window.

He came in with cuts and bruises, and Renjun was just too tired to ask. He knew why, anyways.

So Renjun just did what he thought was right, and patched Jeno up.

Somewhere in the midst, once Jeno was covered with bandages, and hours of attempting to sleep had failed, Jeno and Renjun laid - eyes open - facing each other,

”Are you afraid of me?” 

“What?” Renjun questioned. _What was Jeno even saying?_ “No. I’m not.”

Jeno said nothing.

”Why? Do you think I am?”

”I don’t know. I just know I can come off a bit scary sometimes. And I’ve been having my doubts lately. That’s all.”

”You come off scary all the time,” Renjun laughed. Jeno did not return the action, making things suddenly awkward and serious. “Listen, don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with you if I was afraid of you.” 

“Boyfriend.” Jeno corrected.

”What?”

”You said relationship. That’s such a broad term. I don’t like it. You’re my boyfriend, and I’m yours.”

Renjun blushed. “Right. B-boyfriend.” 

More silence. It was dark in his room, but Renjun could still see Jeno’s eyes perfectly. They were captivating, the way Jeno’s eyes held onto Renjun, even when Renjun faltered.

“I’m going to kiss you.”

Jeno only knew how to be blunt, and Renjun still wasn’t a master at handling this part of Jeno. 

_No. Not even close._

”What are you saying.” Renjun couldn’t look at Jeno. He was shy, so he opted for twiddling his fingers together. “We haven’t even held hands yet. Don’t you think holding hands should come before... you know... kissing?”

”It’s not a rule.”

”I know. But the idea seemed nice.”

Jeno smiled. Renjun didn’t catch that. But the next thing the older boy knew, Renjun wasn’t twiddling his fingers anymore, and Jeno had taken his hand, interlocking their fingers.

“We’re holding hands now.” _Smooth, Jeno._ Renjun didn’t know what to say. “It’s okay of your not ready to kiss me. You can tell me that.”

”No, it’s not that.” Renjun quickly defended. Jeno smiled again. Renjun saw this time. It was a rare sight to see, but Renjun cherished it. “I’ve never kissed anyone before,” it was embarrassing for him to admit to Jeno, because Jeno was this guy with so much experience that he was even dating in elementary school. _Probably_ , Renjun assumed. “You’ve kissed before, and I just don’t want to be...” It was _really_ embarrassing for Renjun to say. “... I just don’t want to be the worst one. Especially since it would be my first kiss.”

Jeno found this ridiculous. “I can promise you, you will not be my worst kiss. I’ve had plenty of bad kisses, you won’t top them.”

”That’s reassuring.” Leave it to Jeno to be the most unromantic person Renjun has ever met.

”Just follow my lead.”

Renjun didn’t have time to object. 

Jeno’s lips pressed against his. His arms wrapped around Renjun's small frame, his arms squished between them. 

Renjun’s toes curled at the softness of Jeno’s lips. He never imagined a kiss from Jeno to be this... _gentle_. 

Renjun imagined Jeno’s kisses to be rushed, deep, nothing but want. But this kiss didn’t feel like any of that. 

Jeno was slow, careful, _desperate_ almost. Like he had been waiting for this for a lifetime, and when Renjun let himself give in, and kiss back, he felt everything x100. 

Renjun never knew something could feel so amazing. 

And then Jeno pulled away slightly, allowing room to breathe, and Renjun found himself so easily missing the contact. 

“It wasn’t the worst.” Jeno whispered against Renjun’s lips. “It was the best kiss I’ve ever had.”

Jeno realized it then. He realized what he felt for Renjun was stronger than just _like_. _It always had been._ That word no longer meant anything. 

This feeling that Jeno felt for Renjun was so much stronger than that. 

But this was the moment Jeno finally admitted it to himself. 

He was in love with a boy named Huang Renjun.

A boy just to innocent, kind, _naive_ for his world.

Jeno should have stopped it then, but he found it physically impossible to stay away from Renjun. He was like a drug, and Jeno was addicted.

He knew he would get his heart broken, but he thought he was strong enough to handle heartbreak.

Jeno had survived heartbreak before. By his mom. By his dad. By his friends.

He was used to it.

But what Jeno was too naive to understand, was that getting heartbroken by the person you love even more than yourself in this world, was the worst pain he could ever feel.

 

**VIII**

 

“Pluto is not a fucking planet!” Jaemin yelled.

”Yes, it fucking is!” Donghyuck retorted.

Jisung watched in his spot on the couch, shaking his head at his hyungs.

”Is it always like this?” Chenle whispered to Renjun.

Renjun gave the younger boy a comforting smile. “Pretty much.”

 _Zhong Chenle._ The new boy that very recently joined their gang. 

He had just moved from China, and his Korean was still a bit shaky (despite spending hours on end practicing.) Renjun immediately felt the need to take Chenle under his wing. 

It was easy to speak to Chenle. They could both speak comfortably in Mandarin, which made a connection between the two instant from the start.

Why Chenle moved to this dump puzzled Renjun, but he found a selfish part of him glad that Chenle was here.

Jeno saw this. He saw how happy Chenle made Renjun, and now Chenle is a part of their gang.

Renjun was opposed to the idea at first, but Chenle was completely on-board with it. 

Chenle wants to protect his family.

Much like Renjun.

”Ge, I don’t think they really like me.” Chenle whispered to the older.

”I don’t think they really like me either.” Renjun admitted. He’s been in the gang for two months now. They still treat him like an outsider. 

“Jeno-hyung likes you.”

Renjun rolled his eyes, blushing. “Yeah, but I still feel like an outsider here.”

”Should we change that?”

”How?”

Renjun found out soon enough, that Chenle wasn’t like him at all.

Chenle was everything Renjun wasn’t. He's loud, somewhat obnoxious (Renjun blames it on his age,) and outgoing.

Chenle dosent need to use words to make friends. It was a natural thing for the boy.

”What kind of arm-wrestling match is this?!” Chenle yelled from across the room, cupping his mouth for extra volume.

Everyone stared at him. Renjun stepped away from the younger just a bit.

”What?” Jaemin asked, his eyebrows scrunched up.

”Really, what kind of game are you guys playing?” Somewhere in between Chenle and Renjun’s chatter, Donghyuck and Jisung ended up in an endless arm wrestle. “It’s like watching grandmas.” 

Donghyuck scoffed. “You think you can do any better?” 

“ _Think?_ I know I can.” Chenle announced. Renjun was starting to question the kid’s intentions.

”Well then come over here so I can whoop-“

“I’ll take care of this, hyung.” Jisung cut Hyuck off. All eyes were shifted on the maknae.

 _Where was Jeno when you needed him?_ Renjun wondered.

“Bet.” Chenle walked over to the table, pulling up his sleeve and resting his elbow on it.

Jisung narrowed his eyes, seemingly angry. 

Renjun closed in, interested, and also slightly concerned.

The youngest's locked hands.

”Okay-“ Jaemin started, sitting at the edge. “On three, got it?” Both boys nodded. “One...”

”One more thing,” Chenle grinned.

"Two..."

Chenle pulled his hand back, proceeded to lick it, and then clasped it back with Jisung’s. 

”Three!”

Chenle slammed Jisung’s hand down, claiming victory. But that didn’t matter, because Jisung jumped up, disgusted.

And the others were too busy being equally disgusted.

”Seriously?” Jisung screeched, running over to the sink to wash his hands. “That was a dirty move!” 

“When you’re as weak as me, you got to have something up you’re sleeve.” Chenle shrugged.

They all erupted with laughter.

And Jaemin yanked Renjun over to his side. Renjun panicked, but it quickly went away when he realized Jaemin was laughing.

And that was how Chenle brought the gang closer just by knowing them a week. 

But getting closer just made things so much harder in the end.

 

**IX**

 

It didn’t take long before simple kisses with Jeno became full on make-out sessions.

It made Renjun nervous at first, but just like with anything, Jeno took it slow, waiting until Renjun was absolutely sure with his decisions.

Jeno, of course, was able to easily take things to the next level. 

It made Renjun feel bad for making him wait.

”You know, if you want to take a break... I get it.”

Jeno turned to look at him, giving Renjun the blankest expression ever. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

”You’re probably not used to waiting for things. And it’s not like this relationship is actually real, so if you want to be with someone else... I get it.”

”I thought this relationship was real.” Jeno stated. _He felt like this relationship was real._ “Why would you even say something like that?”

Renjun sighed, not being able to look at Jeno, he stared straight ahead at the broken television. “You just seem, well, frustrated lately.”

”I’m not.”

”Oh. I’m sorry.”

”Do you want to break up? Is that why you’re saying this?” Renjun quickly shook his head, letting out another sigh. Jeno was hurt. “Then? What was the point of making me feel like shit?”

”I wasn’t trying to do that.” Renjun defended. “I just feel bad sometimes. It’s like I’m holding you down.”

”Then why didn’t you just tell me that?” Jeno said. “You really are trying to break my heart, aren’t you, _Huang_.”

Renjun hated when Jeno used his name like that. It made Renjun feel even worse.

”No.” Renjun flushed. “I’m just... guilty.”

”Don’t be.” Jeno reassured. He grabbed Renjun’s chin, making the older boy look at him. “Being with you is the most free I’ve ever felt in my whole entire life.”

Renjun might of been crazy, but he could of sworn he saw unshed tears in Jeno’s eyes.

But that was next to impossible.

”Next time, just talk to me about this stuff, okay? I don’t like it when you just make assumptions about the way I feel. I love you, and that’s all that matters. I want to be with _you_.”

Renjun caught the ‘love’ word. He caught it for sure. He wasn’t just hearing things. 

Yet, he didn’t say anything in return. 

Renjun kissed Jeno, not having responded.

Honestly, Renjun was glad he didn’t have a chance to, because he didn’t know if his feelings were on par with Jeno’s. _Not yet, anyway._

 

“He’s you’re boyfriend, isn’t he, sweetie?” Renjun’s mom asked one day, after seeing Jeno walk Renjun home. “What am I saying? Of course he is. Friends don’t normally kiss each other when saying goodbye.”

Renjun blushed.

It was just a small peck on the lips, and truthfully, how could his mom have seen that from inside the house? Was she spying on him?

”Why didn’t you tell me?” His mom asked, sighing. She was tired. Of everything, really. “I thought we told each other everything.”

”We do!” Renjun protested. He hated seeing his mom like this. Absolutely hated it.

“I thought it was strange no one has tried to mug me for the past couple of days...” His mom wondered outloud.

“Mom, listen. I didn’t tell you because it’s not like it’s going to last.”

His mom scrunched her nose up, like she was disgusted. “What are you saying, Junnie?”

”I’ve told you. After I graduate, I’m getting us both out of this place-“

Renjun was cut off by a sharp smack to the head.

Then it was silent, Renjun still trying to process how and why he got hit.

”Mom!” He yelled, rubbing the spot on his head. His mom bit her lip, and she looked ready to kill.

”I did not raise you like this!” She yelled. Renjun didn’t understand why she was mad, since he’s the one who just got hit. 

“Mom, what are you talking about?”

”I raised you to be kind, Renjun.” His mom heaved. Renjun was ready to run at any moment. “How could you just play with someone’s feelings like that?”

”Mom, what-“

”I’m not finished!” She interrupted. Renjun apologized. “Jeno is a good kid, okay! And ever since you guys were little, I could tell he cared for you! How could you just be with him when you know at the end of the day you’re going to leave him?!”

Renjun stood in shock, waiting. He didn’t get it. 

“Mom, I’m not playing with his feelings. I like him too. We’re big boys, and I told him that I was moving after graduation. He knew that, and he still agreeded to this. It’s not just my fault, mom.” Renjun explained calmly.

His mom nodded, tapping her foot on the hard-wood floor, arms crossed against her chest. “Renjun, you got one thing right. You’re not a little boy anymore. So stop acting so naive.”

Renjun shook his head, disagreeing. “Mom-“

”I’m not going to listen to you spit out more nonsense!” She screamed. “You don’t get it! At the end of the day, you’re going to regret this, Renjun! I’m your mother! I don’t want you to get hurt!”

”How is anyone going to get hurt?” Renjun thought his mom was crazy, simply overreacting.

But, like always, his mom was right. 

That night, they made-up, and his mom even tucked him into bed, just like she did when he was a kid.

Renjun wished he would have just listened to him mom. But it was too late to change things.

**X**

“It’s been ten years now.” Jeno mumbled, looking at the grave marked with worn-down cardboard.

Renjun didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what to say, never being good in these types of situations.

After a minute of silence, Renjun decided on the two words that were almost meaningless in this moment. “I’m sorry.”

Jeno scoffed. Renjun stepped away. 

Renjun had never seen Jeno so vulnerable. _Should a gang leader be acting this way?_

 _Well, gang leader’s are humans too,_ Renjun reasoned with himself.

Still, it took a toll on him, seeing Jeno act so real.

”Don’t be sorry. I’m happy he’s dead. He was a deadbeat father, anyways.”

It wasn’t safe being out at night, not in this neighborhood, Renjun knew that. 

But he wasn’t alone. He was with Jeno, and Renjun felt safe with Jeno, even if a graveyard spooked him out a bit. 

And even so, Renjun was the only person Jeno wanted to take with him.

Jaemin said it should be considered ‘an honor,’ since Jeno never takes anyone with him to see his dad’s grave.

”It must be hard though. He was still you’re dad.” Renjun said.

 Jeno was facing away from Renjun, but Renjun saw anyways.

He saw Jeno crying, and he had absolutely no clue on how to deal with the situation.

Renjun contemplated, and then he decided.

Renjun walked over to Jeno, so that he was right in front of him. Jeno’s head was down. Renjun wrapped his arms around the younger’s neck, standing on his tippy-toes, and pulling Jeno into his embrace.

Jeno let on a shaky breath, and then he sobbed, snuggling his head into the crook of Renjun’s neck and wrapping his arms around his waist, pulling the smaller boy into a bone-crushing hug.

Renjun hugged back with all the strength he could muster, running his fingers through Jeno’s hair in an attempt of reassurance.

He didn’t say anything. There were no words Renjun could give Jeno. He would of said ‘everything will be alright,’ but even Renjun knew that was a stretch.

Renjun just held him as he cried. And that was enough. That was more than enough for Jeno.

Renjun thought about what his mom said, and he realized it. Renjun realized how screwed they both were.

Looking back, Renjun believed this was the moment that changed everything. It made him understand what Jeno felt for him... because this was the moment Renjun felt the same way.

 

**XI**

 

Two weeks till graduation.

They didn’t talk about it. But of course, they knew it was nearing.

And yet, something Renjun had waited so long for, now seemed like a burden.

He wished he could stop time. Though, that’s just hopeless thinking.

Renjun, against all odds, had made a second family. And leaving them behind was something he could simply not imagine.

Jisung, who’s deceitful and irresponsible. Though, he’s young, and Renjun can see just how wonderful of a person he’ll become one day, because he wants to help everyone. And Renjun can just see the love this boy has for Chenle. Lucky for Jisung (although he’s completely unaware of this,) his love is mutual. 

Chenle, who’s too wild for anyone to handle. His personality is just too great for this shitty world. When they first met, Renjun instantly knew that Chenle was going to amount to great things, (or maybe Renjun is just biased.) Still, Chenle has this amazing capability of making friends with everyone.

Jaemin, who’s loud and unpredictable and selfish. That’s what Renjun used to see. But Jaemin, in his own strange way, is caring and protective too. 

Donghyuck, who’s ego is so big it seems like no one can step on it. Even so, the all mighty have weaknesses too. And for Donghyuck, Renjun noted, it must be Mark.

Mark, who’s a player and an impulsive lier. Yet, Mark is like an older brother, always watching out for everyone. He’s wise, and responsible. He would of been perfect, but the joy of breaking hearts is just too great for him.

 _And Jeno._ Jeno, who’s unnerving, blunt, intimidating... and the list can go on and on. Renjun didn’t know what good qualities Jeno had. But Jeno, Renjun soon came to know, was so much more than just a ruthless gang leader. Jeno was everything good wrapped into one. Jeno was selfless to a fault, always putting those he cared for before himself. Renjun found this admirable. Jeno was brilliant, a genius. He observed quietly, but loved in the most subtle ways. Like when Jaemin was sick, and Jeno left made some chicken noodle soup for everyone, just so Jaemin wouldn’t feel ‘weak’ for being sick. It was the little things Jeno did that made the biggest impact, and Renjun loved it all. He loved the bad and the good.

So as they laid there, wrapped up into each other, Renjun resolved that they were going to have to break up sooner rather than later.

Because Renjun knew he wouldn’t be able to leave Jeno heartbroken.

 

”Jeno, can we talk?” Renjun asked.

”We are talking.” Jeno stated.

The two were sitting outside of school on a bench. The sun was setting, but Renjun found the spring breeze pleasant, so they stayed outside instead of going back to The Lot where the rest of the gang were.

The gang were okay without the couple not around. They have long accepted that Renjun likes quiet places more, and they knew that wherever Renjun went, Jeno followed.

“Right, we are talking, aren’t we?” Renjun laughed awkwardly. He hadn’t planned on having this conversation now. He didn’t want to ruin a beautiful moment. 

But they had many beautiful moments together, and with only ten days till graduation, Renjun decided it had to be now, or he just wouldn’t be able to ever do it.

”I think we should break up.” 

Renjun had never broken up with somebody before. _Hell_ , he hadn’t even dated anyone before Jeno. So, he didn’t quite know how to approach the situation, seeing as the first time he attempted to do so, it didn't work out the way he imagined.

Renjun stole a peek at Jeno, who had been quiet for way too long.

”How am I suppose to respond to that?” Jeno questioned. He caught Renjun peeking, and now the older boy just couldn’t look away. “I don’t think we should, if that’s the answer you’re looking for.”

”I’m not looking for an answer,” Renjun mumbled. His hands were shaking. _Why were his hands shaking?_ “We both knew that this was going to be temporary. And time is up. Graduation is-“

”Still ten days away.” Jeno cut him off, rather harshly. 

Renjun sighed. “I know. But what were you expecting? That we break up on the day of graduation? Isn’t graduation suppose to be a happy day?”

Jeno felt ridiculed. “So you’re just going to break up with me? You’re not even going to talk to me about it? Give me a fucking warning?”

”Jeno, we both knew this! You’re warning was this whole relationship! I’m sorry, but what was there to talk about?” Renjun retorted. He was getting upset, and he just wished his voice wouldn’t betray him by cracking. 

Jeno scoffed. “Maybe about how I don’t want to break up?”

”Jeno...” Renjun trailed off, softening his voice. “It’s better for both of us if we just break up now.”

”Why do you think you get to speak for me?” Renjun was taken aback. Jeno never acted this way, not with him at least. “It’s not better.”

Jeno looked away. The spring day had turned ugly so quick. Renjun didn’t have much more to say. 

“I’m sorry, Jeno.” Renjun whispered, holding back tears. His mom was right. Renjun was selfish. He didn’t deserve someone as good as Jeno.

Jeno got up, and Renjun thought he was going to leave.

Renjun was wrong. 

“Let me walk you home.” Jeno always walked Renjun home. There was no discussion about it. Jeno wasn’t okay until he made sure Renjun was in the safety of his own home. Or with him. Jeno preferred the latter, though. 

“Jeno, you don’t have to.”

”It getting dark. I’m walking you home.” This was the only thing that Renjun knew Jeno would not budge on. 

So Renjun got up, leading the way through the familiar route. Jeno followed steps behind.

The sun was almost completely gone by the time they arrived. Renjun’s mom still wasn’t home.

“Thank you, Jeno.” 

“I don’t think we should break up.” Jeno suddenly said, stopping Renjun from walking away.

Renjun was shocked. He wish he could handle his emotions better.  “Jeno-“

”I’m just telling you what I think. You didn’t seem to care what I thought.” Jeno seemed so fragile. Renjun didn’t deserve to have the power to make Jeno so sad.

”Of course I cared. It’s just, I-I wouldn’t have been able to do it.” Renjun let his tears fall. He didn’t care anymore. He bit his lip, tugging on his shirt, looking down at the concrete ground.

”Then why do it?”

”Jeno, you’re not understanding. I’m leaving. In ten days, I’m going to be gone. It’s easier if we do this now.”

”How is it easier?” 

“Jeno...”

”No. I want to know. How is it easier?” Jeno was persistent. He was right in front of Renjun now, and Renjun hated that he wished Jeno was even closer.

”I don’t know.”

”Look at me.” Jeno was always persistent. But so was Renjun, when he wanted to be.

”No.” He said, breathing unevenly. “Just leave, please.”

It was like the world had stopped for a moment. Renjun felt like he couldn’t breath.

And then the world spun again.

Jeno nodded, taking a step back. “Okay. If that’s what you want, I’ll leave.”  Jeno turned, trudging down the sidewalk. Walking away was hard, and he had to will his feet to move. “You know,” Jeno stopped, turning around to say one more thing. Renjun bit down on his lip again, harder. “This was real for me.”

_I know. It was real for me too._

”And I guess this is a really shitty time to say this, but I wasn’t expecting you to break up with me today.” Jeno laughed, and it was bitter, laced with so many indescribable emotions. “I’m fucking in love with you.”

Renjun cried harder. There was no point in hiding it. “I love you, too.” He managed to get out through all the tears. His heart was pounding in his chest.

”Then isn’t it fucking stupid to be breaking up with someone you love?”

Renjun looked up. He wanted to make Jeno understand, but he couldn’t, because Renjun himself didn’t understand his actions.

And, with much objection, Renjun’s legs moved on their own, and he was running to Jeno.

Their bodies clashed together, but neither cared. Renjun’s lips smashed against Jeno’s, teeth clanking together, and all was right with the world.

”You’re so fucking overdramatic.” Jeno smiled, pulling away the tiniest bit, not bothering to open his eyes.

”I’m sorry.”

”How many times are you going to try to break up with me before realizing that it’s hopeless?” Jeno didn’t sound angry. In fact, he sounded happy.

Renjun smiled, pulling Jeno back down, catching his lips.

_Just one more time, I promise._

 

**XII**

“Are you going to tell Mark-hyung?” Renjun asked, leaning forward in his chair.

”He knows.” Donghyuck answered carelessly. “He isn’t stupid.”

Donghyuck confided in Renjun, and as graduation was drawing near, and so was his departure, Renjun wanted all his friends to be happy.

”What did he say?”

”He didn’t say anything. The day after I told him, I found him with some girl. He told me that he just didn’t feel that way about me.” Donghyuck sighed, getting up and going to the fridge, grabbing a coke to drink. “Honestly, I don’t think hyung is capable of being in a relationship.” 

Renjun almost laughed at how spot on Donghyuck was, because just days before, Mark told Renjun the same thing.

_”Hyuck deserves better than me. I’m not capable of being in a relationship.”_

They were perfect for each other, and Mark couldn’t see it.

”So, what now?”

”I’m not going to continue chasing after him. I’m tired of it. I’ve missed out on so much because of it. Now, I’m going to live my life the way I want.”

Donghyuck was looking in the cabinets now, trying to find something to eat. Renjun noticed the way Donghyuck’s hand tightened by his side.

”I want you to be happy.” Renjun said.

”Well, I want to be happy too.”

 

**XIII**

 

The week had come and gone by all too fast.

Soon, it was the day before graduation, and Renjun was dreading the day that he once looked forward to so much.

”Nervous?” Jeno asked as they laid in Renjun’s bed, side-by-side, looking up at the ceiling and the crappy glow-in-the-dark stars Renjun had put up when he was a child.

”I feel like I’m going to throw up.” Renjun admitted, laughing. “You?”

Jeno smiled. “Tomorrow is going to be the worst day of my life. I’m not excited for it at all.”

Renjun was dumbfounded. “What are you talking about? It can’t possibly be the worst day of your life. We’re graduating.”

”But you’re leaving me.”

Renjun had nothing to say to that, because it was true. Tomorrow, after the ceremony, he was going to hop on a train with him mom, and they were going as far as they possibly could.

”We wasted so much time, haven’t we?” Renjun settled, repositioning himself so that he was laying on his side, facing Jeno. “We had all these years, and we waited till the last one.” 

Jeno rolled his eyes. “I guess I am selfish when it comes to you.” 

“No, your not.”

“Yes I am, because I ruined your senior year. I made things so much harder, all because I didn’t want to let you go.”

”You made my senior year the happiest year for me.” Renjun leaned over, tilting Jeno’s head so that the younger was looking at him. “You don’t know how happy you’ve made me. You made living in this place worth it.”

Jeno felt his heart ripping into shreds. “I know we’re going to meet again. We’re meant to be together.” 

Renjun smiled. “I love you, you know.”

”I love you too. I think I’ve loved you ever since we were kids.” Jeno confessed, because it must have been that way. Jeno knew what love felt like now, and he knew he felt this way for Renjun ever since they were little. So it must be love.

“I didn’t know that.” Renjun replied, snuggling in closer to his boyfriend. “I don’t think, in a million of years, I would have ever expected you to love me. Not like this, at least.”

”I’ll always love you... I _always_ have.”

Renjun wavered. Leaving used to be such a happy thought, something Renjun couldn’t wait for. But somewhere along the way, leaving became a thought that made his stomach drop.

Renjun smiled, kissing Jeno, because words were not sufficient enough to explain what Renjun felt. 

Renjun cried into the kiss, because tomorrow night, he would be long gone.

 

**XIV**

 

 His mom clapped. The class of 2018 threw the caps to the sky, all screaming and yelling in joy. 

Renjun found his mom in the crowd, walking over and hugging her.

“Congratulations.” She said. “Meet me at the train station in three hours, okay honey?” His mom whispered into his ear. “I’ll bring the bags. I’ll bring everything. Right now, be with your friends.”

Renjun let go, smiling at his mom. She wasn’t looking at him, though. 

 “Congratulations, Jeno!” She yelled. Renjun looked back, seeing Jeno in his cap and gown, a few rows down with the rest of the gang. 

Jeno smiled, nodding and yelling back a ‘thank you!’

”I’ll see you in three hours, mom.” Renjun agreeded, giving her one last hug before she kissed him on the cheek and they went their separate ways.

Renjun turned around, locking eyes with Jeno. He smiled, walking over to his friends.

That day, instead of going out to eat or reuniting with families like what most people choose to do, the four graduates (along with Jisung, Chenle, and even Mark,) decided to go to the park.

A rather strange option, suggested by Donghyuck, and no one had any objections.

”Can’t believe you kids graduated. Especially you, Jaemin. Didn’t think you could do it!” Mark laughed, swinging carelessly alongside Donghyuck.

Jaemin rolled his eyes from the monkey bars. “Shut up, hyung! I would say the same thing to you!”

They all laughed.

Jeno was laying down, curled up in Renjun’s hold. Renjun played with his boyfriend’s hair. 

The pair were more secluded than the others, opting to lay against a slide.

”I’m going to miss this.” Renjun mumered, thinking out loud.

”Then stay.”

Renjun didn’t know if he heard right at first, because Jeno wouldn’t say that.

But he felt Jeno stiffen under his hold, and they were silent. And then Renjun realized that Jeno had actually said it.

”What?” Renjun scooted back, prompting Jeno to sit up, unwilling to look the older in the eyes.

Renjun had never seen Jeno this... nervous. He looked like a scared child.

”Nothing. It was nothing.”

”That didn’t sound like nothing.”

Jeno glared at Renjun. “Can’t you just take a hint? Of course I don’t want you to go. But it’s not my choice, you’ve already made up your mind. So there’s no point in repeating it.”

”Jeno...” Renjun softened. “Nothing is going to change-“

”How can you say that?!” Renjun was lucky the gang was too wrapped up in their own conversations to notice them arguing. “You’re leaving. Everything is going to change! You’re going to move on and do great things, get a great job, get a great house and...” Jeno cried. “You’re going to forget about me.”

Renjun was crying too.

”I’m not going to forget about you.”

”Yes, you are. You’re bound to.

”No. You’re wrong Jeno, and if you honestly believe I could ever forget about you then... then you don’t know me at all.”

Renjun’s touch was gentle, the way he rubbed Jeno’s arm in a comforting way that only Renjun knew how to do.

“I’m just scared.” Jeno was never, _ever_ scared. That was his number one rule, _fear is weakness_. Only second to _never admit that you are scared_. But none of that mattered now, anyways. 

“I am too.” Renjun kissed him. It was a desperate kiss, a way of saying what words just couldn’t express.

Because Renjun was terrified.

He didn’t want to leave. For once in his life, Renjun wanted to stay in a place that had given him hell for eternity. He wanted to stay with the people who made his life more than just _enough_. 

Every person in the park had changed his life. They made him feel what _living_ truly was.

But it was more than just Renjun at stake. He had to think of his mom. Of all the suffering and abuse his mom had faced for him. She had given up so much.

Nobody deserved to be born here. But it was just their luck. And it was only fate that brought Renjun and Jeno together, and fate who mistreated them so.

”I know you have to go. I get that. And I have been trying so hard to just... support you. To not be selfish with you. But it’s so fucking hard. So, just let me be fucking selfish for one second, okay? I don’t want you to go. I don’t know how I’ll fucking survive with out you. I feel like I’ll _die_.” Jeno choked up. “I’ve loved you ever since we were kids. You were the only person that made me feel safe, and I need that. I need you to be with me. I need to know that you’re okay, and see you, and touch you, and kiss you and just... I need to be with you. So don’t leave. _Please._ Don’t leave me.”

Renjun was sobbing. He hugged him. And Jeno hugged back with even greater strength.

The gang heard every word, and yet, they all continued talking like they were oblivious, because it wasn’t their turn to talk or butt-in. They could do that later. They all knew that right now, it wasn’t their moment. 

Three hours had passed by too quickly. It was almost unreal. Unfair, more likely.

Renjun gave them all hugs. More tears were shed between them. It was an unusual sight to see, but at the end of the day, they were all still human after all.

It was wordlessly understood that Jeno would walk his boyfriend to the train station. _Just Jeno_. But that didn’t make saying goodbye any less easier.

Renjun wished them all the best, and more. 

He wished for Mark to realize that he was just in love with Donghyuck as much as Donghyuck was in love with him. 

He wished for Jaemin to go out and strive to be a policeman, something that Jaemin only ever admitted to him. _It’s unreal,_  Jaemin had told him. _A gang member being a policeman? In what kind of world?_ Renjun smiled at that. _Well, if you do it, then this one._

He wished for Jisung to let Chenle help him with the pain he was suffering through, because Chenle cared _so_ , so much about their friend. And Jisung deserved to be _so_ , so happy.

Jeno and Renjun walked together, hand-in-hand.

They didn’t say anything. There was just too much to say, and too little time. There wasn’t enough.

The walk to the train station was a blur. Cars and streets all merged together, like everything was fast-forward and they were the only people moving in real time.

The train station was dimly lit, and Renjun’s mom was already seated inside, her head pressed against the window. She waved at the two boys upon seeing them.

”Do you know where you’re going yet?” Jeno’s hand tightened around Renjun’s smaller one.

”As far as the train will take us.” Renjun answered.

They stood.

”Jeno, you’ll be okay. I know you will be.” Renjun admitted, stepping in front of his boyfriend. “You’ll survive, because you’re not alone. And I know that one day, we will see each other again.”

For once, Renjun’s words served no reassurance.

”I love you. I love you so much. I love you and I’ll always love you.” Jeno kissed him, soft and gently. Renjun could taste the tears.

”I’ll always love you, too.” Renjun allowed himself to be naive. It was the only thing keeping him from breaking down right now. “I’ll see you soon, okay?”

It wasn’t okay. Not at all.

Jeno nodded, giving Renjun one long, last kiss. 

He shouldn’t have let go, but he did. The train was leaving, and so was Renjun.

Renjun looked back, reluctantly getting on the train. He sat next to his mom, his eyes never leaving Jeno.

The train started rolling, and rolling, and rolling, and it was gone.

Jeno didn’t leave. He couldn’t. 

He felt himself crumbling.

”It’s going to be okay.” And he felt himself be enveloped in Jaemin’s hug. And then Donghyuck’s. And then Mark’s, and Jisung’s, and Chenle’s, and-

These shit-heads followed them to the train station.

But Jeno couldn’t have been more happy that his friends were shit-heads.

 

**XV**

 

A year had passed. A year of nothing. No sign that Renjun had even existed traced the school.

And yet, Jeno thought of him every second. 

In the moments where he was alone, or with friends, he simply couldn't help it.

He wondered where Renjun was, and if he was okay.

A new addition was added to the group. The guy was disrespectful, arrogant, cocky - nothing like Renjun.

But they kissed. And they messed around with each other. But it was nothing like with Renjun.

The kisses were stale. Their talks were meaningless. He meant nothing to Jeno. Just someone to fill the void. A void that Jeno knew couldn't be filled by anyone but Renjun, but still so desperately tried to. 

 _He's in love with you._ Jaemin had told him one day. _He told me he is. You shouldn't lead him on like this._

 _I didn't do anything for him to love me._ Jeno responded.

 _Yeah, like_ kissing _him is nothing._ Jaemin rolled his eyes.  _I miss him too. But we don't even know where Renjun is. You need to move on, and accept that he's gone, but he's living a life better than us. He's happy, Jeno._

 _I know._ Jeno forced a smile.  _But it still fucking hurts._

Jaemin smiled too, hugging his best friend. They don't hug often. None of them do. The last and first time they ever hugged was a year ago... at the train station.

_Try with him, okay? You might end up loving him back one day._

Jeno knew that wasn't a possibility, but for Jaemin, and Jisung, and Donghyuck, and Chenle, and Mark... he would try.

 

**XVI**

**Author's Note:**

> So I am very aware that my depict of gangs in this fanfic is unrealistic but I didn't want to make this story super hard-core :p I hoped you guys liked it (minus the ending, bc sadness) I realize there are a few plot holes, like why they don't have cell phones and stuff, but its for dramatic effect lol. I also plan to make this into a series, so look out for that if you want lol.
> 
> I wrote this a while ago and I just finished it bc it was going to be deleted tomorrow if i didnt post it so here we are. ive always liked the idea of a gang au since i saw 'Go'
> 
>  
> 
> Thanks for reading<3


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